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Protected: Jason Whitlock Educates the BSU Youth to Be Entitled Scumbags

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Ball State Hires Shula for Football Staff

You know, they said that Stan Parrish was sort of hard-headed. Most folks thought he was obsolete and a little past his prime. Perhaps he was one of those coaches that really excels at being a Coordinator and focusing on what he knows but just isn’t suited for the head coaching position. There were questions about the talent he surrounded himself with as he filled out his coaching staff. Now, I’d say we can put those questions to rest.

Roaming the sidelines next season for Ball State will be a Shula! Two-time Super Bowl champion Don Shula will be joining the ranks with his two Super Bowl rings and a .678 winning percentage over his career that landed him in the NFL Hall of Fame. Take that, Ron English. Looks like you’re no longer the big swinger on the MAC block. Well… metaphorically speaking.

I think it’s awesome we have that kind of pull to get one of the legendary coaches of the NFL.

Yeah… about that. You may not want to celebrate too hard there, Alan. I think I may have not been as clear as I could have been.

What? It’s not Don Shula?

Not exactly.

Well, Jesus tap dancing Christ. When I get an email that says “Ball State Hires Shula for Football Staff” you have to figure that it’s Don. Hey, that’s ok. I’ll take Dave. Granted, he didn’t have the success of his father and won’t land in the Hall of Fame, but it’s still a Shula and he has NFL experience. Beggars can’t be choosers, especially when it comes to assistants.

Yeah…. about that.

Seriously? Not Dave Shula, either?

Not exactly.

Probably not Mike Shula, either?

Not exactly.

Right. So who exactly did we get, Tom?

Chris Shula!

*Blank stare*

Chris was a linebacker for Miami University. Worked last year at Oklahoma. Now he’s a GA for the Cardinals! And he’s a Shula! Don’s grandson and Dave’s son.

So I’m assuming we’ll get a sizable discount at Shula’s Steakhouse? And speaking of sizable, isn’t Don lending his name and likeness to another product now?

Maybe Ball State alums can get a discount on Nutrisystem. That might be cool in case there’s anyone who would need that.

No words. Just emotions.


Tom Collins Has a Message For Us All

Scene: Muncie, IN. LA Pittenger Student Center, Cardinal Hall. Low lighting, one podium, invited members of the media seated in anticipation of the announcement. Ball State Athletic Director Tom Collins walks to the microphone and begins to speak…

Tom Collins: Welcome, everyone! Invited guests, members of the media, distinguished alumni. I’m here because of the growing concern that somehow I am not in complete control of this search for a new head coach for our Cardinals. I am. Because I’m a talented Athletic Director and in complete control. To that end, and to focus more on the search at hand and interviewing some of the thousands of people who have expressed interest in this elite opportunity, I have named a Ball State Information Minister to address all of your concerns. He will be your primary contact. Please welcome, Bob!

Ball State Bob: Hello everyone. I am pleased to be in the service of Tom Collins, and Jo Ann Gora, two exceptional leaders, two beautiful people. Two people who know how to run a search, hire a coach, and lead Ball State athletics into the future. I will now field questions…

Media: Bob, how do you respond to reports about Stan Parrish already being offered the job?

Ball State Bob: By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. Mr. Stan Parrish is good man. But Mr. Tom Collins field hundreds of calls per hour about job of coaching the university of Ball State Cardinals. Mr. Tom Collins good man. Mr. Tom Collins is smart man.

Media: But these were reports were verified by ESPN… the WorldWide Leader in Sports!

BallStateBob: Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Mr. Tom Collins is the benchmark of integrity and honor. Mr. Tom Collins got degree. He has paper to prove it! Mr. Tom Collins is good man.

Media: Uh… ok. So back to this team… Can you comment on Ball State’s preparation for the GMAC Bowl in Mobile? How does the team expect to win with all this turmoil?

BallStateBob: Tulsa will be burnt. We are going to tackle them. Mr. Tom Collins told team failure is not an option. Everything is going well in preparation for the infidels from Tulsa. Death to Tulsa. Mr. Tom Collins good man. Mr. Tom Collins smart man, good lover. Mr. Tom Collins best leader of university of Ball State ever.

Media: Uh… That’s a bit extreme on the whole burning thing.

BallStateBob: Extreme times call for extreme measures. All is well in the land of Ball State football. The coaching search is progressing nicely. Do not believe those liars and infidels from ESPN. Mr. Tom Collins had to buy four new phones for the calls he is receiving. Lane Kiffin called, and said he wasn’t good enough but wanted us to know good luck. Mr. Kiffin good man.

Media: Can you speak about the level of interest you’ve received for the head coach position other than Lane Kiffin?

BallStateBob: Mr. Tom Collins has fielded thousands of calls about the job. Pete Carrol called this morning. Vince Lombardi called as well. We cannot tell you how good this job is progressing. This is the best job in all of college football with the finest administrative support. Mr. Tom Collins gives all his staff what they need to be winners. And backrubs. Lots of backrubs.

Media: How have the current assistants responded to the lack of a new head coach or the lack of naming an interim coach?

BallStateBob: Everything is going well. This was the plan all along. There is no such thing as assistant coaches who are unhappy. All are happy and satisfied under the direction of Mr. Tom Collins and Jo Ann Gora. This is exactly the plan outlined when that traitor and infidel Brady Hoke left this team.

Media: Did you just call Brady Hoke an infidel?

BallStateBob: Brady Hoke is infidel. Mr. Tom Collins true patriot. Mr. Tom Collins smell good and have great personal hygiene. Mr. Tom Collins never show up to work late. Mr. Tom Collins almost as good as Jo Ann Gora, who is great university of Ball State president. She is a woman, though, and as such…

Tom Collins (interrupting): Ok… I think that’s enough for this morning, but I welcome you all to contact the athletic office with any questions or media requests. Bob here brings a welcome voice of truth and honesty to the department. I would also like to thank one individual who has brought extreme notoriety and press to this Cardinals team. He trumpets them on a national stage and is committed to use his audience to further our name. Ladies and gentleman…

(Large crashing sound, bricks and rubble fly across the room)

Tom Collins: God damn it, Whitlock. Can’t you just use the front door like everyone else?

This just in…Jason Whitlock loves Nate Davis

I hesitate to post a link to anything that Whitlock writes, but this is pretty amusing to me. In talking about the Chiefs inspired win over the Broncos he says

If they do, they might win three or four more games this season and be in the hunt to select the best quarterback in the 2009 draft (Nate Davis).

Now, I may be a little behind the times, but the Chiefs passed on Brady Quinn two years ago because they thought Brodie Croyle was the future. I believe that Nate Davis is going to be a fantastic QB in the NFL if he continues to work on his focus…but to think that the Chiefs would be going after a QB when you consider their past is a little ridiculous.

Regardless, Nate thanks you for the shout out and is waiting for you to finish up his Heisman campaign.

Jason Whitlock Loves Cheeseburgers, Hates Hoosiers

Legendary and larger than life (see what I did there?) columnist and sports personality Jason Whitlock has the ability to impact sports fans everywhere. He has a column in a major daily newspaper in the Kansas City Star, writes internet columns for FoxSports.com dealing with everything from race issues in athletics to Vince Young truly going Vinsane, and uses his platforms to elevate the notoriety and name recognition of one Ball State University, his alma mater.

As IU Hate Week continues, you may be asking, “Gee… I wonder what JW is going to do this week since this game is pretty large in the minds of Ball State fans?” And the sweet glorious answer is: Go on the IU Rivals.com messageboards and talk shit to Hoosier fans. The next question you would ask upon learning this is: “I wonder what his messageboard moniker would be?” That answer… even more glorious than the first:”BigSexy68“. I kid you not.

Whitlock, much like BucNasty, hates all over the place. He takes every oppurtunity to hate on a diverse array of markass marks, trickass marks, punk bitches, and skip skaps, skanks, and scallywags…hoes, heffers, he ha’s, and hulyhoos. All wearing cream and crimson.

The gem of his posts…
Have my Hinkle’s cheeseburgers ready when I get there and prepare to get embarrassed on the field”

OHHHHH!!!! Sick burn, bro. UP TOP! Infinite awesome cocktails and cheeseburgers to you, JW.

Cardinal Preview: Northeastern; Jason Whitlock… Hungry Again

I contemplated greatly the need for a fancy preview post about tonight’s season opener for Ball State against Northeastern. That comes next week, as the Cardinals have a sufficiently challenging game versus the Navy Midshipmen. Tonight’s game against Northeastern is excitable because football is back in Muncie, the Cardinal offense gets a chance to build on national momentum against a much weaker opponent and the Cardinal defense gets to build needed confidence against said weaker opponent. But other than that, it’s a snoozer of the highest order.

The difference in talent is noticeable and great, to the point where if Northeastern stays within 4 scores at game’s end, I will be absolutely shocked. My greatest fear for this season is an epic bed-shitting against a team like Northeastern, but barring anything short of stigmata, the Cardinals roll up victory #1.

Instead, I will leave you with astute wisdom to marinate on before the game this evening. On August 15th, we pointed out Kansas City Star columnist Jason Whitlock’s need for sustenance, and also his nugget about Ball State busting the BCS. Today, imagine our surprise when reading JW’s latest column to find an expansion on his thoughts. Appropriately titled, “Ball State Has Arrived, Baby“, Whitlock goes on to put the verbal ballwashing all over the Cards.

The blogosphere got quite the kick out of Whitlock’s initial post, not only because it was completely out of left-field in the middle of an NFL column, but also because it reeked of homerism in the worst way. So bad Lou Holtz probably said, “Geez, this is a bit much” verbalized as, “Geeth, thith ith a bit much” thus losing the meaning for Jason.

Thleep Well, Thweet Prince

The article is loaded with statistical prowesses and insane facts. But it is what lies beneath that article that only the trained eye can see. What begins as insight quickly turns to venom, as basically the gist of this column is “My team rocks. Insert your team here, because they suck ass. And to all you bloggers… it’s glandular. Dicks.”

Whitlock ends his column by saying he won’t be upset if Ball State doesn’t live up to his expectations, but secretly, the scene in Kansas City after a mediocre appearance in the Insert-Second-Tier-Bowl-Sponsor-Here-Bowl-Game would be a horrible mixture of Crisco, torn up posters of Nate Davis, Dante Love, and Darius Hill and tears. The salty, freshly fallen tears of a journalist in need of a hug. And a snack.

Jason Whitlock Makes a Prediction. And a Snack.

Sure, we went for the low-hanging fruit of the joke tree for that headline, but it had to be done.

Jason Whitlock, Kansas City Star columnist, defender of Imus, food connoisseur, and the guy who called Mike Lupica an “insecure busybody” (though “whiny bitch” would have been infinitely better) decided his weekly NFL column on Fox Sports would be the right venue to make this bold college football prediction:

2. The Ball State Cardinals are going to run the table and make a bid to crash the BCS bowl party. I (spit) you not.

The Cardinals are loaded. In Nate Davis, they have quite possibly the quarterback with the most pro potential in the college game. Davis’ favorite target is Wes Welker clone, Dante Love. The Cards have a 6-foot-6 tight end, Darius Hill, who can’t be stopped in the red zone. Their right tackle, Robert Brewster, is one of the nation’s best run blockers. Ball State punter, Chris Miller, is a two-time Playboy All-American.

Ball State is this year’s Boise State.

Whitlock makes me smile for several reasons, most notably the fact that he is in worse shape than I am, therefore giving me hope that there is at least one person ahead of me for the great stadium beer line in the sky.

Second, his column reeks of unabashed homer-ism yet he published it anyway. It’s also clear that Whitlock, an offensive lineman for BSU in the late 80’s has kept his dedication to being a top physical specimen:

Regardless, it’s nice to get some national press and even better when the national press is positive. And not of the “Your football program sucks gigantic piles of (spit)” type.