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The OTP Dossier: Texas A&M

Aggie Mascot

Your Ball State Fighting Football Cardinals head down to the Lonestar State this weekend to break in Kyle Field and in the eyes of Aggie fans the world over, be the Macrificial Lamb for the grand opening of the newly renovated stadium. SEC opponents are not usually found girding their loins and daring to do battle with the Mighty MAC so it’s time we educate ourselves about the Texas A&M Aggies. Get to educatin’…

They’re Known as the Aggies
Aggies is apparently a colloquial term used for agricultural schools nation-wide, but Texas A&M is the Aggies that everyone knows. In much the same way rappers have reclaimed words that by definition are offensive, A&M has made Aggies less about hayseed bumpkins and more about dominant football teams. So they have that going for them, which is nice.

Their Mascot Isn’t Farm Related
How agricultural education and farmers relate to a dog, I’ll never know, but the pooch pictured above is A&M’s mascot, Reveille. They are now on Reveille IX (that’s 9 for the BSU people reading this) and I am quite positive that the dog lives better than 90% of the population. She also outranks all the cadets, and I can only hope she abuses that privilege by eating straight from the soft serve machine in the dining hall and pissing wherever she damn well pleases. Partly because she’s a dog. Partly because she owns the place.

If it’s Friday Night, it’s Yell Practice
A&M students gather at the football stadium the night before a home game to go over chants, cheers, and the like. We yell on Friday nights at BSU… in fraternity bedrooms! HI-O!!! I’ll go ahead and see myself out.

Speaking of Scoring…
It’s also tradition that whenever the Aggies score, if you’ve brought a date to the game you kiss them. If you’re single you hold up a lighter so single people can find each other. If all it takes is football points for an A&M student to get some lovin’, I have two thoughts:

  1. My guidance counselor completely dropped the ball in my college search.
  2. Never hire Stan Parrish to be the head coach at Texas A&M. Your students will be kissing less than that time they tried 6 minutes in heaven at the TB hospital.

There is a Mandatory Break to Appreciate Texas
Ever talk to someone from Texas? They let you know they are from Texas. They let you know they love Texas. They encourage you to love Texas as well. As such, at the first television timeout of the third quarter, there is a brief pause where the crowd in attendance takes a moment to appreciate all things Texas. Fans are encouraged to:

  • Voice discontent about the state of the country and how it is going to hell in a handbag
  • Celebrate any 6-inch or larger permed hair style in their general vicinity
  • Remind everyone within earshot that everything is bigger in Texas
  • Ask who the greatest baseball player in the history of baseball was. If they don’t respond with Nolan Ryan, punch them right in their suckhole.

Respect their traditions. We’re guests, after all.

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