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Off Sides: The Superbowl Halftime Show That Could Have Been…

Off Sides 200It was announced this week that Bruno Mars would be the featured performer at the Super Bowl Halftime Show in February. That is 3 years in a row that a pop act has been chosen. I have to admit I’m not extremely well versed in modern pop music. Last year it took me until the middle of the performance to realize the person singing wasn’t Mariah Carey. I understand the networks are trying to appeal to that key 18-34 demographic and draw more women viewers. I also understand that it’s called “pop” music for a reason, but come on, isn’t Bruno Mars kind of douchey? Yeah he’s got a few hits, but they don’t really pack a lot of punch. If I was in charge of booking the acts for the Super Bowl Halftime Show things would go quite a bit differently.

First, I wouldn’t even announce who the act is going to be. I would demand absolute secrecy to keep the element of surprise. Then when the lights went down and came back up at half-time people would be stunned to see a completely nude Miley Cyrus being lowered by wrecking ball onto the stage. Obviously, Miley is just for eye candy. Just to throw her a bone I’d let her sing a few bars of one of her “songs” but then the audio would screech to a halt and the lights would go down again. While the lights were still out millions watching around the world would hear the opening sequence of “Welcome to the Jungle.” Then, out struts the one and only Axl Rose. As Axl belts out the classic hard-rock tune, Miley would do her now-famous move of shamelessly twerking his pelvis into dust. Just when you think the show couldn’t possibly get any better out walks Janet Jackson’s boob. Not Janet Jackson, mind you, but just her boob. We can cover the rest of her with a blanket (not her nephew). That, my friends, is a Super Bowl Halftime Show.

You're welcome America.

You’re welcome America.

I know my brilliant ideas are destined to fall upon deaf ears. But feel free on February 2nd 2014 to close your eyes and imagine the fantastic Super Bowl Half-Time Show that could have been.

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