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Off Sides: Why Sylvester Stallone Should Be the Next Batman

Off Sides 200Yesterday, we introduced you to the newest member of the OTP family, Dustin White. Today, Dustin’s premier column of Off Sides with Dustin White is ready for the world. Enjoy! -Ed.

I was a little surprised at the overwhelmingly negative response to the news that Ben Afflek would be suiting up as the next Batman in Zach Snyder’s follow-up to Man of Steel. I mean, ever since I saw Ben doing push-ups in a prison cell in Reindeer Games, I knew he was a certified badass. However, I do have to agree there is a glaringly better choice: Sylvester Stallone.

Reason Number 1:
From what Warner Brothers has told us about the plot of the next Batman/Superman movie, we know it will be at least somewhat based on Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. A key part of that storyline is an epic battle to the death between Batman and Superman. Obviously, Batman going up against Superman is an underdog story. Who has more experience playing the underdog than the man who has starred in six Rocky movies? In fact, Batman vs. Superman seems much like Rocky vs. Drago in Rocky IV. Who wouldn’t love to see Batman beat Superman into submission with nothing but a series of telegraphed roundhouse punches?

sky stallone batman

The costume budget for the new batman is hopefully larger than the OTP art department’s

Reason Number 2:
Three words: sick training montage. Imagine an aging Batman gearing up to battle the Man of Steel. Sure, Superman might be able to leap a tall building in a single bound, but can he catch a live chicken? I would love to see a Rocky-style training montage culminating with Batman running up the Gotham Courthouse steps in full costume.

Reason Number 3:
Muscles—Sly’s got ‘em. True, leading men all tend to bulk up to play superheroes nowadays, but Sly is one of the original buff action stars. And even though he’s pushing 70 he still looks like he could bench-press a house thanks to good genes and a lot of Human Growth Hormone.

Superhero movies are rapidly becoming formulaic carbon copies of each other. I say let’s have some fun and mix things up a bit. Who better to play an aging Batman than one of our most cherished, aging action stars? Would it hurt the credibility of this entire post if I admitted I also would have chose Sylvester Stallone for Gatsby?

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