Over The Pylon

SECRETARY!!!!

Yes, Mr. Collins?

Where are my messages, secretary? I’m sure with all this conference expansion there are numerous people to call back, deals to make, and flesh to press… metaphorically speaking. Tell me there are messages… please?

Yes, sir, there are messages that do demand your attention.

Fabulous, secretary! I’m going to sit at my desk while you read them to me. Proceed with these lucrative offers that I can dazzle our University administration with. Chop, chop.

The first message was from Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany.

This is it, secretary!!! The offer we’ve been waiting for! Kiss my white ass, Northern Illinois and Central Michigan! You won’t have BSU to kick around anymore. We’re going first class, bitches. Enjoy your stay in coach.

He wanted to know if you had any contacts at Nebraska. Or Notre Dame. Or Rutgers. Or Pitt. Or Maryland. Or Hanover. Or Taylor. Or Indianapolis Attucks. Which I’m pretty sure doesn’t even exist anymore. He said there was no reason, just curious.

That is exceptionally odd. If I weren’t the cunning mind that I am, I would think that they were passing us by. I think what is entirely likely is they are simply letting the other schools know that their fate rests in our hands. Of course! Brilliant!

Right…. the next message is from Larry Scott of the PAC 10.

Oh, baby! Screw the Big 10 and their shell games with those other losers. This is the big one. I can feel it!

He was also asking if you had any contact information for folks like Colorado, Boise State, TCU or Texas Tech. He also asked if we knew anyone at East Dillon or Dillon High School.

Fictional high schools? Conferences are opting to expand with fictional high schools before offering to us?!? I’m surprised Jacob and Edward didn’t come out and announce Folks High School was moving to the WAC.

Mountain West, sir.

Oh, come on!!! They don’t even exist! They’re only in those lame ass vampire books. We have a stadium, jerseys, footballs, and headsets for the staff! I mean, sure, we don’t have an office for our coaches. And we don’t have one of those fancy jumbotrons. And we only have 4 pissers in the entire place, but we’re a college. We are an institution of higher learning!!

Mike Slive from the SEC called as well sir.

Really? The SEC? As in, the premier conference in football? They want us? They want ME?! I knew it secretary!!! It was only a matter of time before we blew this bullshit MAC popsicle stand and hit the big time. It’s nothing but road trips with fine trim, delicious barbecue, and million dollar paydays! Eat shit, MAC!

Actually sir, they were just wondering how you do it.

Do what?

Shave every morning without slitting your own throat with a razor. Then he farted into the receiver and hung up.

*Blank stare* I…. *sigh*

There was also one other message, sir.

*Looks up hopefully, solitary tear forms in eye* Was it from the Big East? Conference USA? The fucking Sun Belt?! Anyone?

It was Whitlock, sir. He swallowed his phone again and misdialed you, but it’s a hysterical message. Want to hear it?

*sigh* *wipes tear* Of course.

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