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2009 – The Offensive Awards Show

Edge is back.  But don’t call it a comeback.  I’ve just been tallying up some numbers and making sure the stats are tightened.  Of course, work and life sometimes get in the way, especially when you’re submitting content for free (hint: check out the DONATE button on this page.  I have a daughter to send to college – and a trip to Vegas in 5 weeks).  Oh, and poor Corey Haim… god damn you, prince of my movie-watching youth.  Ok, that’s off my chest.

Today I thought I’d sift through my numbers, cover some offensive stats, and hand out the Edge equivalent of the Oscar and Razzie: the Stratocaster and the Esteban.  Let’s get this party started!

First, let’s look at some team rushing stats.  There were a lot of effective rushing teams this year, mostly helped by some superstar performers (some Heisman candidates come to mind).  But I’d have to say that the winner of the 2009 Rushing Stratocaster has to go to Nevada.  Being ranked #1 in net  rushing yards, rushing yards average, rushing touchdowns, and rushing yards per game, Nevada has to accept this award easily.  Our 2009 Rushing Esteban goes to our favorite stripper-related lawsuit whipping boys – Duke.  Six rushing touchdowns, 2.25 average yards per rush, and only 762 rushing yards on the season?  I… just… don’t have the words.

Let’s move on to passing.  No, Jimmy Clausen will not be carrying home a batch of Strats this year.  This may surprise some of you, so get your flames ready.  Congratulations… Jimmy Clausen?!?  Son of a bitch… ok, well, Notre Dame did not statistically come in at #1 in any passing category (at least not one that matters), but on the
average, they were the best.  We have to mostly attribute this to
Clausen’s lack of interceptions and completion percentage.  So, Notre
Dame, take your Strat and go home.  Our Esteban goes to the Aggies at
New Mexico State.  Just an all-around terrible performance in the
passing game, their best stat was 114th in the nation (passing
attempts and least interceptions thrown).  Congrats?  Although, I have
to warn Ball State – we were the next worst team in passing stats.
Dodged a bullet there.

Next up: scoring offense.  No surprise here, the Strat goes to Boise
State.  They scored the most points, most points per game, extra
points, two-point conversions, and were second in offensive
touchdowns.  Pretty not shabby dudes. So who was the worst scoring
team?  Washington State, come up and get your Esteban.  They had the
least amount of points and the second worst amount of points per game
and offensive touchdowns.  Apparently the end zone is harder to find
than a virgin in a whorehouse.  Get to work, Washington State, don’t
pick up this award next year.

Finally, let’s look at the red zone winners.  Like Notre Dame’s
passing award, Central Michigan didn’t win any categories outright,
but being in the top ten in six of eight red zone catergories gives
the Chippewas a Strat.  Odds are there will not be a repeat for this
Chips in this category next year.  Anyone want to put money on it?
Didn’t think so.  Who was the worst?  Get your asses back up here
Washington State, you are taking home two Estabans tonight!  Worst in
red zone drives, red zone points, and red zone scores, the Cougars
might as well go for the record of least-scoring team ever.  Insert
second virgin joke here.

That’s enough for today.  Join me next time… who knows, maybe next
week or next month… for some defensive awards.  Here’s a preview:
Ball State won’t win any Strats.  Rock on!

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