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The 2009 Season, in Dylan-ese

Who doesn't look good with a Vincent Price mustache?

It’s time to turn the rock up to 11 here at OTP.  We’ve already covered some of the early part of the season with a little help from the Beatles, but how about some other artists that may have some song titles that we can relate to the season?  Up next is one of the all-time greats: Bob Dylan.  Whether or not he knows or follows a lot of college football is moot because I’ve done all the legwork.  So, let’s get started, shall we?

Million Dollar Bash – Welcome to the bash, Mack Brown.  Now the highest-earning coach in college football, Brown will bring in five million next year.  Someone explain to me how this works, especially with a coach-in-waiting.  I suppose if you have the money, more power to you, but still… that’s a lot of bank for someone who’s keeping a seat warm at the head of the table. 

Changing of the Guards – USC, you no longer rule the Pac-10, and it’s actually kind of refreshing.  And what’s worse is that you didn’t really finish in the top five.  Changing of the guards, indeed.

I Shall Be Released – Ah, the dreaded pink slip.  This song is for you (so far): J.D. Brookhart, Charlie Weatherbie, Steve Kragthorpe, Mark Snyder, Tommy West, Charlie Weis, Dick Tomey, Mike Sanford, Al Groh, Dave Elson, and most respectfully, Bobby Bowden.

Tangled Up in Blue – Kentucky, you’re going to another bowl!  Hey, it’s better than nothing.  We all know the Cats aren’t going to be a Florida or Alabama anytime soon (or maybe ever), but the fact you’re bowling yet again is a great thing for the school.  And for Alan.

It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue – This one’s dedicated to Tim Tebow.  Tim returned to Florida for one last shot at a national championship, only to see that dream dashed by Alabama.  I doubt he’s second-guessing his decision nearly as much as Sam Bradford, but I think I’d be hard pressed to believe that he is 100% happy with his decision this week.

Desolation Row – As lackluster as our own MAC team and others may have been in 2009, this one is dedicated to the Sun Belt conference.  When we have these preseason debates on what conference is best, what conference is the worst, etc., I always hope and pray my MAC isn’t the worst.  And lo and behold, the MAC really wasn’t in 2009!  The Sun Belt, which I now rechristen Desolation Row was an unimpressive 8-28 out of conference and had the worst winning percentage of all conferences.  Along with that, Desolation Row teams were no better than eighth out of 12 in five statistical categories: offense, defense, special teams, turnovers, and penalties.

If Not for You – Michael David Barrett?  If not for you, this year would have been much less scandalous.  Thanks, Michael.

Most Likely You’ll Go Your Way (And I’ll Go Mine) – No “most likely” about it.  Kelly actually has the Notre Dame job and has left the Bearcats high and dry in the Sugar Bowl.  I suppose that’s part of it, but there’s a certain aspect of dickness in leaving your undefeated team when they make it to a BCS bowl.  Maybe that’s just me, but Kelly, you’re a dick.  Have fun, Irish fans.

Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right – And things are definitely going to be all right at Washington under Sarkisian.  Taking an 0-12 team to nearly .500 in its first year is an indication that things are on their way up at Washington.  Locker is returning, and Bob wants you all to know: don’t think twice, it’s all right.

Forever Young – To an impressive trio of true freshmen: Dion Lewis, Matt Barkley, and Tate Forcier.  While each had his “freshman moments”, these are a trio to watch as their careers unfold.  Unfortunately two of them play for teams I don’t necessarily root for… oh well.

A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall – Especially at Tennessee.  Nothing has happened yet, but I just have this odd feeling these minor infractions committed by the Kiffin Klan are going to come back to haunt them.  I think in the offseason we will hold an over under on the number of days until Kiffin is punished by the NCAA.  Be prepared to cast your vote.

Beyond Here Lies Nothin’ – sadly, a few non-FBS schools’ programs had to close shop in the past few months.  While a testament to the times (that are a-changin’), it’s always humbling to know that any small or mid-major program could be in jeopardy of losing their teams altogether.  While it is the season of thanks and giving, perhaps we should all be thankful we have teams to cheer on every week for a few months every year.

I Want You – Ball State, I want you.  I want you to win more than two games next year.  I want you to come out firing in every game and take back the MAC West crown.  If there was ever a year to make a huge statement, Stan, this one is it.  Some of the big guns in the West are leaving, and it’s time to take that young team to the title game in Detroit.  Do not disappoint me.

It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding) – I think Coach Zook is singing this one right now.  Optimistic as hell, but damn is he ever gushing blood after this year. If beating Michigan, Minnesota, and Illinois State is the highlight of the year, and you get to keep your job, there’s something not quite right about your season.  Tourniquet.  Pronto.

Masters of War – The one is dedicated to the Crimson Tide of Alabama, the Cincinnati Bearcats, the TCU Horned Frogs, and the Boise State Broncos, who over the course of the year have done an admirable job against their opponents to effectively become the masters of war in 2009.  This track will obviously be re-dedicated after the bowl season, but at this point, you four share this one.

Everything Is Broken – Sorry, Irish fans, but you had to have a song dedicated to you somewhere, right?  Things are indeed broken, and it’s going to take some serious work to revitalize this storied program.  I’m sure it will happen, but it may take some time.  Just be patient, and listen to the next few tracks.

Not Dark Yet – But it’s getting there for Louisville.  I can almost hear Alan crying over this one.  But with a lackluster 4-8 season, a shift in the coaching staff, and the certain losses to the team, this squad is probably heading for darker days before things turn around.  I’d like to say I am worried, but frankly, I don’t give a shit.  Next song.

Things Have Changed – Georgia at 7-5?  Virginia at 3-9?  USC at 8-4?  Notre Dame at 6-6?  Maryland at 2-10?  Yes, things have indeed changed.

You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere – This one goes out to Alabama.  After seeing them play a lot this year, I think Saban has given us every indication that this team is going to remain at the top for some time.  I’ll go out on a limb and say they’ll win the SEC again next year.  I’ll also go out on a limb and say Western Kentucky ain’t goin’ nowhere but the bottom of the pile in 2010.  Just a hunch.

All I Really Want to Do – Is hibernate from January 7 until mid-August.  Anyone want to pick up my salary for that length of time?  Yeah, didn’t think so.  Guess I’ll stick around for some March Madness and baseball while we get set for another long offseason.  Stick around though, we’ll have some more fun goodies to keep you from actually working or studying.


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