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A Letter to Steve Kragthorpe

Meet the captain of this failboat

Meet the captain of this failboat

Dear Steve,

You know, there was once a time when I, as a Kentucky fan, dreamed of beating Louisville. That was of course partially fueled by Bobby Petrino dominating us like we had paid for it, but it was always nice to slip into fantasy land and imagine a world where beating the Cardinals was a near certainty. Where the jokes would flow easily and often. Where the in-state players would realize that UK was where they needed to be. And for making that dream a reality, I thank you.

Over the course of this series, Louisville has certainly enjoyed some successful years. BCS Bowls, 9 wins out of 12 in one particular stretch, etc. I wouldn’t expect you to know that, since it would involve you being here, which you weren’t, or reading about it, which I doubt you can do. At least, for your sake, I hope you can’t. Otherwise, if you can in fact read,you’re privy to some totally hateful garbage spewed from your fans. According to them you can’t coach, can’t speak, can’t think, can’t gameplan, can’t win, can’t get an erection, can’t last in bed, can’t beat Kentucky, hell… can’t beat Syracuse, can’t pleasure a woman, can’t make toast, can’t read so good, on and on and on. Now, that just isn’t nice of them to say, Steve. I mean, it’s all totally accurate, but it still isn’t very nice.

I know it must suck to be you, Krags. Aside from the balding dome, lack of talent on the roster, and the general worry every time you walk the streets of Louisville that motorists won’t stop when they see you in a crosswalk, you’ve also got a stadium that’s significantly smaller than your in-state rivals, and even that doesn’t get filled. I’m sure it’s sort of like an old impotent shrivel-dick sidling up next to Peter North at a urinal, looking over, and wondering why life is so unfair. But kudos to you, man, for hanging in there and letting ‘er fly, however tiny it is. I just wanted to say thanks.

Thanks really, for being you, you sweet loveable loser. Thanks for taking a Louisville program and running it over top of a Titanic iceberg in record epic fashion. You said once, “I’m the captain of this ship and it’s my job to get the ship righted.” At least you drove it somewhere.

This is where you "Take a Kragthorpe"

This is where you "Take a Kragthorpe"

Thanks, Steve, for making it clear to everyone how insignificant Louisville is in college football. Thanks, Krags, for letting the nation see a secret that the Commonwealth has known for a while… that Louisville is, has been, and always will be a second-tier program and second-tier fanbase, competing in a second-tier conference for second-tier recruits. For all that, you are truly worth your weight in gold and I, for one, think Louisville should give you a lifetime contract.

I mean, hell, man, it’s not like you’re as bad as Ron Cooper.

Love always,
OTP

P.S. Whatever you do, never, ever, ever ever ever, go to dinner with Pitino. Ever. You’ve been warned.

Official Prediction:
Louisville: 10
Kentucky: 37

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