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Matthew Page Hates the Metric System

Some of you may remember this piece, where new Ball State recruit Matthew Page, he of gargantuan offensive line fame in East Chicago, was named to the US Junior National Team. Page, he of intimidating looks, and ripe target for satire is a true patriot, countryman, and representer of freedom, liberty, and justice, hates all those who oppose the idea that all men are created equal. He hates those that oppose that every person is entitled to their God given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. He hates vegetables. But today….

Matthew Page Hates the Metric System

What up world! This your boy, Matthew Page. My friends call me MP and my enemies call me nothin’… cause they dead.

It dawned on me today while I was perusing some old science texts that frankly, this metric system is some bullshit. Liters? Centimeters? Kilograms? What the hell is wrong with ounces, pounds, gallons, and inches? Those are some American measurements baby, and ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. 4th and centimeters? Doubtful. It’s like bringing hummus to a 4th of July barbecue. That shit has no place at my table.

I know you crazy Europeans walk around with your tight pants and your striped shirts thinking you’re better than the rest of us. Drinking your cappuccinos and watching soccer. So let me break this down for you all metric-like. I’m about to tap a 3-liter bottle of whoop ass on the next person who tries to shove this metric shit down my throat.

Meter stick? Think again, bitches. That’s a yard stick. And don’t make me show you into what orifices of yours I can jam it when I’m truly upset. I know, I know, John Wilkins went to all this trouble to invent a system of metric measurement. Frankly, I couldn’t give a shit less. Wilkins would be a dead man if he hadn’t already kicked over in 1672. Kidney stones! What an appropriate bitchassed death for such a man reeking of bitchassedness.

So you crazy Europeans, keep that metric system bullshit on your side of the ocean, otherwise big MP gonna go batshit on your metric loving asses. Because frankly, there’s 143,000 grams of pissed off dude bout to run wild. After I’m through with the MAC, your candy metric asses are next.


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