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Matthew Page Hates Bailouts

Some of you may remember this piece, where new Ball State recruit Matthew Page, he of gargantuan offensive line fame in East Chicago, was named to the US Junior National Team. Page, he of intimidating looks, and ripe target for satire is a true patriot, countryman, and representer of freedom, liberty, and justice, hates all those who oppose the idea that all men are created equal. He hates those that oppose that every person is entitled to their God given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. He hates vegetables. But today….

Matthew Page Hates Bailouts


What up world! This your boy, Matthew Page. My friends call me MP and my enemies call me nothin’… cause they dead.

There’s lots of talk going on in the capital about bailouts. Every time I turn on the news it’s bailout this, bailout that. Whatever happened to financial responsibility, America? Where the fuck is yo fiduciary diligence? Ben Bernanke? Blow me. If Thomsas Jefferson were alive, he’d beat you with his cane.

You want to talk bailouts? Bailout the MAC from the enormous amount of pain and colossal ass whoopings I’m about to put on people. Them shits is right for a bailout. Ford? GM? Bank of America? Hardly. Toledo, BG, and Miami about to get freight trained. And there ain’t no flashing lights or traffic bars. Just a large man wearing Cardinal red about to knock the piss out of you. Believe that.

TARP funds? Shiiiiiiit. The only tarp I want to see is the tarp across the carcasses of the defense. Because I’m about blow up. You can centralize the banking industry, boy, but I’m ’bout to centralize some pain. All over the MidAmerican conference.

Now, listen here, Mr. Commerce Secretary, this is real simple like. You take those CEOs, those auto honchos and the bigwigs at Wall Street and you put me in a room with ’em for about 10 minutes, and we’ll sort this out. Those balance sheets gonna match up like my fist and an NIU defensive tackle.

I mean, frankly, it’s distracting. How am I supposed to know the blocking schemes for Coach Stan’s offense if I’ve got to keep track of Senate Finance Committee meetings and rereading documents for the federal reserve. I can’t do it all. Now fix this pigfuck before I get really angry.

You got 4 years Geithner. And then I’m coming to DC for some answers.

MP… USA… WE OUT! MAYONNAISE!

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