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Matthew Page Hates Somali Pirates

Some of you may remember this piece, where new Ball State recruit Matthew Page, he of gargantuan offensive line fame in East Chicago, was named to the US Junior National Team. Page, he of intimidating looks, and ripe target for satire is a true patriot, countryman, and representer of freedom, liberty, and justice, hates all those who oppose the idea that all men are created equal. He hates those that oppose that every person is entitled to their God given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. He hates vegetables. But today….

Matthew Page Hates Somali Pirates

What up world! This your boy, Matthew Page. My friends call me MP and my enemies call me nothin’… cause they dead.I think it’s a damn shame that people can’t even cruise the world’s oceans without some ignorant pirates messin’ shit up for all of us. That shit isn’t even remotely copacetic. Driving around in your little rowboat, climbin’ on ships, makin’ a mess of the international aquatic laws of justice. Didn’t your pirate mothers teach you all any better?

I mean really… who the fuck carries a rocket launcher around? Overkill, much? No one takes a machete and trims their pubes. Life, like terrorism, is about finesse, gents. And more importantly, what do you do with it when you aren’t being a raging bowl of dicks to pretty much the rest of the entire universe. That shit’s not cool, man.

I know one thing. Those pirates on the news sure didn’t look like any pirates I’ve ever seen. Big ass rifles, nappy ass clothes, and a real shit attitude. If those guys were on the Disney ride I went on, I would have jumped out the boat and beat their bitch asses with their bandanas. Book that. And I was only 7. Granted, I was 6-5 and weighed 327, but still…

I hate those Somali pirates, man. They’re trying to hijack cruise ships, now. Cruise ships!!! Do you know what a bad thing that is? One minute you’re chillin’ on the deck, looking at a big pair of MILF bags, eyeing the buffet or the towel swan placed on your pillow, and the next thing you know some raging asshole drops a turd in your ocean party punch bowl. Have some respect for the ice sculptures you insensitive bitches.

And what’s worse is you give these douches air time. These dickbags are on the news demanding this, saying that. 4 Navy Seals, four loud pops, and now you ain’t sayin’ shit. USA… we shoot like we mean it.

So while the SEALs keep all of you pirates busy, know this. 4 years goes by quick. And it won’t be long till Matthew Page brings the pain train straight to Somalia. Express, bitches.



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