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Matthew Page Hates Osama Bin Laden

Some of you may remember this piece, where new Ball State recruit Matthew Page, he of gargantuan offensive line fame in East Chicago, was named to the US Junior National Team. Page, he of intimidating looks, and ripe target for satire is a true patriot, countryman, and representer of freedom, liberty, and justice, hates all those who oppose the idea that all men are created equal. He hates those that oppose that every person is entitled to their God given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. He hates vegetables. But today….

Matthew Page Hates Osama Bin Laden


What up world! This your boy, Matthew Page. My friends call me MP and my enemies call me nothin’… cause they dead.

Well, well, well. Looky what we have here. Osama bin Laden done come out his cave. First off all, you need a shower. That pubic beard of yours is RIPE, son. Seriously, bro. Like all jokes aside, it smells like a camel shit in your little hat there. Wooo… that is foul.

Oh and nice, watch, hombre. Is that a Casio? Sweet. I won’t bag on you too much for wearing it on the inside of your wrist, though. I had a buddy that did that in high school. It always reminded him he was late for ballet practice. You know… cause I think he might have… oh hell… nevermind.

And the camo? Come on man. That shit ain’t stylin’. Shit was hot when The U rocked it back in the 80s, but Luther Campbell and a white stretch limo of Cuban hos ain’t anywhere close to that bombed out shithole you’ve been living in. And speaking of, why isn’t the camo all grey like a rock? Ain’t no trees or bushes in a cave, dumbshit.

This is the US, man. We talkin’ bout life. We talkin’ bout liberty. We talkin’ bout the 99 cent value menu at McDonalds, man. You know what you could have fucked up by all that bullshit you pulled? You take away my dollar menu and you are a fuckin’ dead man. No questions asked.

Seriously, though, man. I’m sure you think life is easy over in them caves. Rollin’ around living the high life… stonin’ bitches, blowin’ up villages, raining down destruction on the Afghans, the Pakistans, the whateverstans. All the while releasing your little videos to the internet. Weak, dogg. First off all, get a better camera. As grainy and poorly lit as it was, I expected to see R. Kelly straight drenching some ho in the corner. Second, videos are so 1995, man. Drop that shit on the YouTubes!!!

Anyway, Osama, I want you to look into that picture above and realize in 4 years when I’m done pancaking my way through the MAC, I’m coming for you boy. Shit’s about to get real, son!

MP… USA… WE OUT! GRAVY!

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